Shuttleworth rocks beeb with a different perspective!

John Shuttleworth, the star of Radio 4's The Shuttleworths (whose characters are all created and acted by Graham Fellows), appeared live on beeb on Friday 14 November 1997. On tour for 3 days at the Bloomsbury Theatre, London, he popped in to share his latest philosophical observations concerning life in Sheffield and work as a rock-star.

For the last few years (since he was made redundant from his job as a security guard in a Rotherham sweet factory), John has devoted all his time to writing and recording rock songs, including "My Wife died in 1970" to "I'm a modern man." Last summer he broke new ground in his career when he went on tour, leaving his home in Sheffield far away. At libraries and drop-in centres across the land, John wheeled up with his Yamaha keyboard in hand, looking for a gig. It was televised on BBC2 in the series 500 Bus Stops.

So if you want to know answers to questions like "Are there any organs you can recommend for the newly converted?"; "What is the inspiration behind your songs?"; or "If you had a wish, what would you wish for?"

John Shuttleworth live on beeb

beeb: "John Shuttleworth, Radio 4's versatile singer-song-writer rock musician is in the Oi! Chat arena today to answer all your questions. Here's the first one...." Fred asks: "I want to start my career as a rock star. How could I approach Ken, and incidentally, how is Ken's wind these days?" john shuttleworth: "Give me your contact number and I'll get Ken to get in contact with you. With regards his wind, sometimes he gets wind up his back and it sets him up wrong all day. But he's all right if he keeps off the eggs and gammon."

Richard Frost asks: "What tips have you got for the budding singer/songwriter from your vast years of experience ? Should I get a security guard job to give me the time to write? And how did you pick up your phenomenal keyboard skills?" john shuttleworth: "Yes, you could get a security job, but ooph, hang on, the pay's not too hot. I got my first keyboard from a policeman called Barry. He was angry with Yamaha because he thought it would be easy to play, being it's single-finger playing. But, as I said to Barry: you still need to know which finger to put down."

Simon Allen asks: "Are there any organs you can recommend for the newly converted? Are you a fan of sampling?" john shuttleworth: "Well, my keyboard is the Yamaha PSS-51 which has got "midi", I don't know what "midi" is, but it's got it. Your organ is all right as long as it's got the fun rhythm. As for sampling, I'd love to do it but it's illegal isn't it?"

Fred asks: "Is it true we've just heard what will be the last series of The Shuttleworths on Radio 4" john shuttleworth: "Yes, because Mary doesn't like me broadcasting family secrets on air and my daughter wants her ghetto blaster back - because that's how we record it, you see."

Mark Holmes asks: "Why are you on so late at night? Why don't they give you your own TV series?" john shuttleworth: "They did, "500 Bus Stops". That was on late at night, on the snooty station, BBC2, but it was only 4 episodes. It should have been 6. But Ken Worthington, who was filming the series on his camcorder, only had a 2 hour tape (four half-hour programmes, you see). He did have a 3 hour tape which would have given us 6 episodes, but it had an unseen episode of Inspector Morse on it which obviously, he couldn't tape over."

Lynda asks: "Your television series "500 Bus Stops" - are they going to repeat it?"" john shuttleworth: "I hope so. But you're welcome to write to Mark Thompson, the Controller of BBC1, and insist that he does. I'm very excited because I've just heard I'm doing a Eurovision Special to go out on Eurovision night, but it's on the snooty station, alas."

Michael Bonner asks: "There are bus stops in Northern Ireland too!! Couldn't you extend your tour to N Ireland for your devoted Shuttleworthians here, or would Ken get seasick?" john shuttleworth: "He probably would. And windy too. But what are their garden centres like in Northern Ireland. Well. we'll bear it in mind."

lilith asks: "Can you remind us how you got into showbiz yourself?" john shuttleworth: "It was the night I saw Ken Worthington on "New Faces" in '73. He was so bad I thought, "if he can get on telly, so could I".

John asks: "You're currently on tour in the UK. What have the venues been like" john shuttleworth: "Happily, they've all been fixed seating, which deters people from wondering back to the rooms, which happens a lot at sheltered accommodation and hospices - especially when I play my own numbers. The Sheffield Crucible, where I'm playing on Sunday, will be my favourite because I'm in Doug Mountjoy's dressing room. Last year I must have been in Stephen Hendry's, because I found a little bottle of Clearasil under the window ledge."

Lynda asks: "You're in London for three days... not that many Garden Centres around... What will you be doing? I was just wondering if you fancied meeting up for a campucinno?"john shuttleworth: "Well, I won't be going shopping because the shopkeepers are very unfriendly in London. So I might go and see, "Buddy", and yes we can meet up, but not for a campuccino, that's old hat. I prefer a "cafetiere-re", the new one. It might not have come to you yet. When it does, you might think the plunger is to keep the coffee warm. It's a mistake you'll only make once."

LeBigMac asks: "What is the inspiration behind your songs?" john shuttleworth: "I write about everyday experiences. For instance I was in Texas the other day and I couldn't find the Conti board section. Instantly, I penned a number which began, "Oh Lord, where on earth is the Conti board?"

beeb: "My favourite is "The Honeybee",what made you write that song, John?" john shuttleworth: "I caught my son Darren swatting honey bees on the lounge window and wrote the song to dissuade him from this illegal activity."

beeb: "Do you think your songs are educational then, John?"john shuttleworth: "Well, "The Honeybee" is. And I've just written one about the futility of technological progress. It ends with the lines, "You surf upon the internet and I'll surf inter Nettoes."

Sharon asks: "Will "Mary I am Missing You" ever be issued on a K-Tel compilation of love songs?" john shuttleworth: "I'd love it to be but Ken will wish to discuss percentages very carefully with Mr K-Tel."

lilith asks: "How's Mary? And the children?" john shuttleworth: "Mary's fine. Darren's got a girlfriend, you'll be pleased to hear, because we were getting a bit worried ourselves. Karen's not talking to me at the moment, because she went to a '70s party last week and in my view, her platform shoes weren't high enough. So I stuck some plywood blocks on the heels. She tried to get them off, but she couldn't because I'd araldite-ed them and rivetted them for extra strength. She was furious, but she was the tallest girl at the party!"

kevin asks: "We never get to see your wife Mary - is she a stunner?" john shuttleworth: "In my view she's gorgeous! Apart from when she gets angry and she looks like one of the Chuckle Brothers."

Max asks: "Why did you name your dog Kirsty?" john shuttleworth: "Because she's Scottish."

lilith asks: "How are you coping with fame?" john shuttleworth: "What fame? I still have to play my organ in the garage, which I don't mind because there's a nice echo off of the breeze blocks. But I don't mind not being famous: I don't want little lads sitting on my garden wall, kicking their heels, because I've just had the pointing done. In fact, I pointed it myself."

beeb: "Do you get groupies, John?" john shuttleworth: "On my current tour, Ken tries to secure ladies from the box office as groupies and attempts to engineer an orgy situation. He also pours Malibu in me interval hot chocolate, which renders it undrinkable and he tells me to trash my dressing room which I don't find easy because I like to tidy as I go. It's because he wants me to be a beast and improve my standing in the rock world."

Nikil asks: "John, when you achieve super stardom will you change your Ausin Ambassador for the older but classier Princess ?" john shuttleworth: "No, but since Ken sold my Y-reg for £50 I've been forced to purchase a Vauxhall Belmont B-reg. It's fantastic! It's got a large glove compartment, so big there's even room for gloves and a selection of assorted biscuits: mainly Garibaldis, but some more modern biscuits such as the Jasper which are contained in silver foil. I use the butterfly fold for immediate access."

Jacqueline asks: "Would you ever buy a house in Essex and become a Southerner, or will you always stick to your northern roots ?" john shuttleworth: "I'm very happy in my current locality. I feel very much part of the community. Ideally I'd like to be a community leader, but I'm not sure how to apply for the post."

Michael Bonner asks: "Do you envisage a film career to follow rock stardom? If so, where?" john shuttleworth: "I'd desperately love to be an accident victim in "Casualty" or a drugs baron in "Spender", but so far I've not had any luck. I wanted to be a passer-by in "Peak Practice" (I know the terrain and would have been very sure-footed), but when the casting lady said, "Are you in Equity?", I answered truthfully, "No, we're with Friends Provident." But I realise now that I made a grave error. Sadly, it was too late."

Woodsie asks: "If "New Faces" was revived for the nineties, would you be tempted to appear?" john shuttleworth: "Yes, and I'd ensure I had a little gimick, such as a glittery cumberbund. Or a German infantry helmet, something like that."

adrian3 asks: "Would you consider giving organ lessons while you are 'resting' or are you too involved with building a new patio at the moment?" john shuttleworth: "The patio's completed, so yes, I am available. But I tend to stick to the white keys. I'm a bit frightened of the black keys, I don't know why because they're smaller than the white ones, and there are fewer of them."

Voicey asks: "John, with a ravenous hunger and a Little Chef to your left and a Happy Eater to your right, which way would you turn and why?" john shuttleworth: "That's obvious: to the left. Happy Eaters no longer exist, they've been taken over by Little Chefs. It's a shame because the number of eateries available to me has been reduced by half overnight."

beeb says: " What are your favourite foods then, John?" john shuttleworth: "Well, it's a very exciting time for food in the UK because beside the cafetiere-re, we've got the pink stuff, taramasalata (mind you that's been with us for a few months now), and Bombay Mix is freely available in garages throughout the land. Mary's Shepherds Pie takes some beating."

guest236 asks: "Where is your favourite Indian restaurant, and is Ken allowed to go there again?" john shuttleworth: "I don't tend to frequent Indian restaurants, though I know Ken often has the business lunch - £2.50 without a sweet. The one occasion I did accompany him there he handled the rather large leatherette bound menu with impressive ease and punched his fist powerfully into the pompadoms."

robin asks: "What are you doing for Christmas?" john shuttleworth: "As always, celebrating at home with Mary and the kids. I've asked Mary for a citrus lycra top, similar to the one Ken sports on warm days. Also, a new table tennis bat would be nice since Ken snapped the last one in an over-zealous moment."

guest236 asks: "If you had a wish, what would you wish for?" john shuttleworth: "To be successful in the sphere of popular music. A b-side on a Chris Rea single. A ten metre shielded extension lead. Ooh, I'll add that to my Christmas list!"

beeb says: " Well, this Oi! chat has unfortunately come to an end. So thank you John Shuttleworth for joining us today. Would you do us the honour of signing off with a few final comments?"

john shuttleworth: "Thank you for participating in this question answer session, even though Ken reckons the time would have been better spent downloading pictures of bare ladies! Before I go I'd like to award two copies of my sensational new book "500 Bus Stops", not yet available at car boot sales! They go to Nikil, for the question about my Austin Ambassador, and to Voicey, for proposing the Little Chef/Happy Eater dilemma (and for having a fun name)!Back to work now. You may be interested to know that my new greatest hits compilation, "The Yamaha Years", and other exciting products are now available. Send an SAE to The John Shuttleworth Appreciation Society, P.O. Box 17, Louth, Lincolnshire, LN11 9GF. Nice talking to you. You're loverly. Well, some of you might be a little bit nasty, but I'm not to know that am I....!"