John Shuttleworth live on beeb

beeb: "John would like to say a few words before we begin?..." john shuttleworth: "Open your lunchboxes, everybody! Take the cap off your takeaway campuccino and erm... have a sip, obviously."

beeb: "Thanks John, here's your first question..."Beanie asks: "Why the name Europigeon?"john shuttleworth: "Because it almost rhymes with Eurovision and my Eurovision entry was Pigeons in Flight, plus it sounds quirky and produces mirth when announced amongst friends...and even enemies."

Lulu asks: "What would you say to the critics of the Eurovision Song Contest who say that it is for B-rated singers who can't hack it in the real music world?"john shuttleworth: "What does that mean then? But yes, you're probably right, with the exception of Mary Hopkin who was and still is a pop goddess."

Terry fan asks: "Was that the real Terry Wogan's voice in your show?"john shuttleworth: "How do I know? Terry was an apparition who revealed himself to me in down moments and offered appropriate advice and solace."

Paul asks: "Do you think Norway was a good choice to try and sell your song to? Wouldn't Turkey or Estonia have been a safer bet?"john shuttleworth: "I was taking the advice of Big Tel who advised me to make the voyage to Scandinavia...With hindsight perhaps Turkey would have been a better bet and its lager prices more reasonable."

Matt asks: "How does the Norwegian Smorgasbord compare with Sheffield Fayre?"john shuttleworth: "Not as good, obviously. Interestingly enough there's a carvery in Maltby, South Yorks, which now offers rollmop herrings. But as yet there have been no takers."

Nick asks: "Why did you go to Norway alone? Where was Mary, Darren, Karen and Kirsty?"

john shuttleworth: "Mary had to help an old lady put up her curtains - her right wrist is a bit tender apparently. Darren was at Victoria Wine working, obviously. Karen went on a school trip to Conesborough Castle where she purchased a Boyzone CD in the gift shop - smashing! Kirsty's a dog and at present doesn't have a passport."

Ed Jones asks: "John, we're rather concerned that Ken is spending too much time with your lovely wife, Mary. Are you worried that anything untoward may be happening whilst you're away wooing the crowds?"john shuttleworth: "No, I don't know what you mean lad. Wash your mouth out!"

beeb: "If you watched Europigeon on Monday you may also have seen Hale & Pace's efforts to get their song selected as a Song for Europe entry. Our next question is about this..."Phil asks: "What did you think of Hale & Pace's attempt at Eurovision entry in Jobs For The Boys?"john shuttleworth: "Considering it was the first song they'd ever written...Stupendous. I'd written 437 songs before I composed Pigeons in Flight which remains my finest song to date and sets a benchmark to which Hale & Pace can only dream of aspiring."

beeb: "Any chance of you teaming up with them next year? It could be the winning team!"john shuttleworth: "Yes, but they'd have to let me do the lead vocal. They were horrendously out of tune and they knew it, going bright red at one stage, rather like Ken Worthington on New Faces in '73."

Imaani asks: "What do you think are Britain's chances of winning on Saturday?"john shuttleworth: "Minimal, there's "nul points" in Imaani venturing to Birmingham this Saturday night."

Polly asks: "Would you agree that getting nul points in the Eurovision is the best accomplishment ever?"john shuttleworth: "Don't be so stupid, love. Your cynical gibes are no comfort to me at a very delicate time. I'm visibly upset by what happened."

Jill asks: "Do you think Ireland will fix it, um... win it, again this year with their entry Is Always Over Now? With lyrics such as "You touched my soul, You touched my life," you must admit it'll be a close run thing!"john shuttleworth: "I've not heard this song but judging by the lyric extract you quote it sounds fantastic and may bring the trophy back once again to the old Emerald Isle."

Adie asks: "Pigeons in Flight was your choice for Eurovision, but I would say Eggs and Gammon was a stronger song lyrically. Would you agree?"john shuttleworth: "Bearing in mind the elephant trump enjoys no international barriers you may well be right my friend, but the songs lyric recounts an embarrassing episode for one K Worthington and to unleash the bawdy tale on the world might be deemed insensitive."

Joan Chitty asks: "John, Mary has told me to tell you to stop fiddling with that blinking computer and come home straight away, Kirsty needs to be taken to the vet."john shuttleworth: "This may well not be a hoax, for Joan as midday supervisor at a well-equipped primary school may have access to the computer room. But why isn't she in the playground with Mary and Mrs Fenn, the midday controller? This question has me very worried but I'm ringing the school as we speak to verify the situation. In the meantime lets plod on."

Mr Hughes. asks: "John, have you thought about writing a song for this year's World Cup - its not too late you know?"john shuttleworth: "It is you know? Besides, table-tennis is my game and I've already written a song about that - Ping Pong Pangs."

Colin asks: "Many music stars are considered 'over the hill' by the time they are 28 - how have you coped with such adversity coming into the profession at a late age?"john shuttleworth: "Because I'm only 27 - no, but seriously, I'm not coping terribly well having consumed a nine-pack of toffee Trios on my way here, to overcome depression."

Nick Turner asks: "Dear John, as a fashion God, could you reveal the source of your stylish attire?"john shuttleworth: "Better ask me wife Mary that one, as she makes all my clothing purchases from, I believe, Mr ByRite. Though recently I bought a pair of Wallace and Gromit socks from a market trader in Wath-On-Dearne - £1.49, very reasonable - though Gromit looks like a tortoise!"

beeb: "Still with fashion..."David asks: "How do you keep your hair so attractive and in such tip-top condition, John?"john shuttleworth: "I apply liberal quantities of hair-gel. Ironically, at one time I was highly suspicious of hair-gel. When it first appeared in the Spar Shop I mistook it for a swarfega and for a while gave the toiletry section a wide berth."

Tim Blacklock asks: "I was sad not to see you in The Full Monty - surely you could have at least appeared in the dole queue scene as an extra? Perhaps you did appear and I didn't spot it - if so tell me where and I can use the pause facility on my video."john shuttleworth: "My film career it seems is doomed never to take off. No, you won't find me in The Full Monty. Despite numerous phone calls to the casting department they deemed my frame unsuitable for the project. The same fate befell me when I applied to be an extra in Peak Practice as a passer-by - it's not fair, I know the terrain, I'd have been very sure-footed."

Europig asks: "Do you ever get electric shocks from your organ ? That combination of nylon polo neck and live electricity cannot be good for you."john shuttleworth: "No, my organ is correctly earthed. My sweater is made from tri-cyclathate or something like that - thankfully the conditions for an electric shock are not present in my stage set-up. Though sometimes the audience gets a shock, especially when I sing Up and Down Like A Bride's Nightie to elderly residents at the hospice!"

Scott from the USA asks: "Why not a mini tour of the USA? We've plenty of great garden centers here. C'mon!"john shuttleworth: "Well howdy! After my ill-fated Norway jaunt it will be a while before I consider venturing overseas again, even travelling out of Sheffield is proving a wrench. I've got to go to Glossop next Tuesday to look at four internal doors being advertised in the paper and I'm quite anxious about the trip - not least because my route will take me along the treacherous Snake Pass (the A57). But have a nice day, buddy!"

Lola asks: "Will there be a sequel to Up and Down Like a Bride's Nightie?"john shuttleworth: "How could there be? Having said that, Eggs and Gammon is quite saucy and was written as a toned-down version of Up and Down Like a Bride's Nightie for performance at children's parties."

Sinbad asks: "When will you be gracing our radio airwaves again?"john shuttleworth: "November the 9th or 10th - somewhere around that region I will begin a five-part series of half-hour shows at 6.30pm - not, alas on Capital Gold or even Hospital Radio, but Radio 4, the snooty station."

beeb: "Rumour has it you're also planning to visit Edinburgh again this year..."john shuttleworth: "Yes, it's my great delight to confirm that Ken has negotiated a spot for me in the dingy Pleasance Theatre - 9th-21st of August at 7.30pm. The brand new show is entitled If Music Be the Love of Food...Tuck In! - It should have been something slightly different but Ken made a cock-up when he rang the printers, so the title's staying."

beeb: "One final question now and talk of the devil..."Ken from Sheffield asks: " John what are you doing? You haven't finished creosoting my fence and you promised to take my Cuban heels to the cobblers - cobblers from you more like! I demand an explanation!"john shuttleworth: "This is a hoax - Ken does not have access to the worldwide web, though he does have access to my Sinclair Spectrum when I'm feeling generous, which reminds me, I must get back now to finish me game of scrabble and once that's completed begin a Jetset Willy tournament with Mr Beecham from Number 42 and Ken himself."

beeb: "That's it we're afraid. Here's John with a final word."john shuttleworth: "Oh, I just remembered, Jetset Willy is no more - the cassette player used to download this excellent game will be at the YMCA pumping out The Best of Tina Turner as Mary and Joan Chitty work out in their bums and tums class. Nevertheless, I have to go - lovely talking to you, albeit in this stilted, unnatural manner. My advice, get yourself a telephone. God bless."

beeb: "Thanks for joining us today and thanks to John for turning up. Come back tomorrow for our regular Top of the Pops chat and on Friday at 1pm Gerry Anderson, the creator of Thunderbirds will be here to answer your questions. And on Monday EastEnders star Adam Woodyatt, alias Ian Beale, will be giving all the gossip about the Square."