What are you driving?
An Austin Ambassador - Y reg, beige exterior, maroon interior.
What does that say about you?
I have immaculate taste and a keen sense of colour coordination.
What do you like about it/not like about it?
Roomy glove compartment - but the catch is broken, preventing access to the glove compartment.
Why did you buy it?
I have asked myself that occasionally.
What kind of driver are you?
Cautious, yet swift to react in moments of danger.
Any bad habits?
I make soft clucking noises when measuring a piece of timber prior to sawing. Why do you ask?
Any driving-test tales?
Of course not. I passed first time without incident.
What was your first car?
A 1958 Ford Anglia. It was brown, which helped disguise the rust.
Have you ever crashed/got a speeding ticket/got any points?
I was involved in a collision with an articulated lorry in the above vehicle. The car was a mess, but it spawned one of my finest songs to date, Incident on the Snake Pass. Fortunately, my injuries were superficial. Having said that, to me they were very real.
What do you use your car for?
A shop at Netto, and daily runs to the reservoir to check the water level.
Have you ever experienced road rage?
In Netto's car park I once saw a woman nutting the steering-wheel. I thought, Oh dear, she's forgotten a major item off her list. Then I realised she was just trying to pull her seat forward.
What sort of state is your car in?
Frankly, it's beginning to niff a bit. I left a slice of gala pie in the glove compartment two weeks ago.
What else is in the glove compartment?
A road atlas, spare batteries for my organ and a pair of wellies, just in case the reservoir requires a closer look.
Have you ever had any romantic encounters in a car?
Once my wife Mary came with me to check the reservoir level. It was abnormally low, and we became concerned for our children's futures. I put my arm round Mary and gave her a reassuring squeeze.
What music do you listen to on the road?
That's easy: Chris Rea. And, for high-speed motorway journeys, the Lighthouse Family.
What would be your dream car?
A camper van like Doreen Melody's (She's a good friend of Mary's; they go to Bums, Tums and Thighs together on Thursdays) with a sturdy chrome ladder for immediate access to the roof, and a stove for brewing up during longer visits to the reservoir.
Who would be your dream passenger?
Chris Rea. I'd like to drive him home for Christmas.
Caroline Egan, Guardian.
Monday March 13, 2000